Why we need to have this conversation before commitment
A lot of people, well Christians—committed Christians, shy away from the topic of sex while in a relationship or getting to know someone. Some shy away from it because they don't want to awaken that passionate desire within them (Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up or awaken love before its time—Songs of Solomon 2:7) or some may feel that to have a conversation about sex, might be a sin, while in a relationship.
First off, let's just be clear that sex was created by God. It is a pure/beautiful thing when experienced within the confines of marriage. The reason why there is so much shame attached to sex or sexuality is that it has been perverted, and we need to get what was given to us by God, back. We need to teach ourselves and children that sex in and of itself, isn't a bad thing, but just as any other thing, it can be used in a way that is unpleasing to God.
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Okay, enough of all that. Welcome to the third part of our Let’s Talk Series, where we’ve been exploring all things relationship wise, before we go ahead and take that plunge into a life-long commitment. Check out the first and second part—let’s talk about commitment & let’s talk about character, if you haven’t done so (Use the hashtag below; #letstalkseries to find all the parts to this series).
Hope you’ve been enjoying the series so far, and please your suggestions are very welcome, just in case there are other things you will like for us to cover. Today’s topic has to do with sex. There are a lot of crazy stories that I have heard lately about spouses not knowing what their partners were into before they exchanged their marriage vows.
Now they are stuck in a situation, where they don't know how to get out of or fix. Sexuality/sex should be something that is taken seriously, when discussing your possible future with someone. Just so you are not frustrated with unmet expectations, or you are not freaked out by things your partner wants from you.
Some men or women may like to play dress up, why some put off all the theatrics and just get into the nitty-gritty of things. Whatever your preference is, it is better that you get with someone who is on the same page as you, or at least is open to whatever you may want to introduce them to.
I read an article somewhere where a newlywed woman, was asking for advice, because she didn’t know her husband was into some kinky stuff during sex, and she felt weird about it. She needed a way out or a way to navigate her husband’s desires. When I read that, it sparked questions in my head—how come she didn’t know the man she married was into that kind of stuff? Didn’t they have the conversation? Did he lead her on? Did he pose as someone who was holier than thou, before they got married?
You need to know what the other person is into; you need to know if the other person desires you, you need to know if the other person just wants to get married to you, to hide their true lifestyle, you need to know if you are on the same page, sexually. These sorts of conversations are important to have so there wouldn't be any surprises. I believe sex can be talked about in a pure and mature way, so both parties know what they may be getting themselves into.
I don't want to be involved with a guy who is into pornography, BDSM, introducing a third party into our bedroom, or asking me to do some weird things that I am not comfortable with. Remember that marriage is a partnership, you must not make the other person feel less than, to satisfy your needs.
Even when you get married, ongoing conversations have to be had concerning sex, so you know that your partner is well taken care of, and also learn what is be comfortable for them and what isn’t.
So then what do we ask?
Questions like; are you sexually active? do you go to strip clubs? Do you have sex with everyone you might be interested in? Have you ever approached someone just for the intentions of having sex, without their knowledge? Do you watch pornography? If we ever get married and you are not fulfilled sexually, will you have a conversation about it or go have an affair?
Have you ever been in a homosexual relationship? (As a woman, this will be tough to ask but some men, who are gay, may want to hide their lifestyle by getting married to a woman, just to give in to the societal pressure of you being single at a certain age, especially if you are from a country like Nigeria.
So you need to know not only if they have been involved in that lifestyle, but also what their stance is on it. And it goes both ways.) Have you ever paid for sex? Do you expect sex in a dating relationship? Do you expect nudes, while in a relationship? What is your stance on abstinence before marriage?
I once indulged a guy (conversationally) who said he was a Christian, but believed in sex before marriage. I could have been blindsided just because he said he was a Christian, only to be surprised when the pressure for sex started, if we dated. So these questions need to be asked.
Have you ever had a threesome? (You just need to know where a person’s head is, morally) Do you currently have a friend with benefits? As a Christian, do you expect sex in a relationship? Have you ever cheated? Questions like these can steer you in the direction you need to go concerning your relationship.
A person may lie, or tell you what you want to hear just so they can get with you. But you being the wise one should listen to your instincts and evaluate every answer they give you and also pay close attention to their actions and how they speak about their past relationships.
The Bible says— “by their fruits, you shall know them." This simply means that you can determine a person's true character by their actions. I usually ask one question multiple ways, and if the answer changes, then I know something is up.
There was a guy I was talking to, and whenever he spoke about how he dealt with women in his past, I wasn’t comfortable. On paper he seemed great—he had ambitions, had a great job, had dreams and passions, and cared about things I cared about as well. But I couldn't shake the feeling about the way he treated women—he got with them sometimes just to sleep with them, then when they wanted something more out of the relationship, he scrammed.
Although he claimed that was all in the past, I was just getting the alert—player on board, flee the premises (haha). Because the way they treat others is most likely the way they would treat you if there is no changed behavior.
There is always an indicator on the inside of us which warns us of something dangerous that may present itself later on in life. If a relationship ends, don’t fret so much about it, God may be trying to save you a lot of heartache in the future. God created sex to be enjoyed, and not be this degrading thing that has become performance-based.
Have a mature conversation with your partner or potential partner, find out what their expectations are. Sex is something that can be improved over time, so don’t buy into the myth that because you may be saving yourself or haven’t had sex in the past, then no one would want you or you would have years of bad sex.
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That’s a lie. If two people come together, who want to please God with their bodies, who don’t have unrealistic expectations of one another, I believe that they can have a fulfilling sex life, especially because just as anything else, it can be improved over time. After all practice (consistently) makes perfect.
Phew! We’ve come to the close of another great article (I hope); if you are seeing someone, do not be afraid to start the conversation if you haven’t done so yet. Remember to leave your thoughts below, and also like, share and subscribe to Let’s Talk Nation, so you never miss an update. Thank you for reading!