Written by Evi Idoghor, Creator of Letstalknationblog.com
When it comes to this thing called relationship, there is no one size fit all approach that can apply to everyone. Because we are all different and live in different parts of the world. Our environment and upbringing usually play a huge role in the way we view relationships. What might work for couple A, might not work for couple B.
Which brings me to today's topic, The 90-Day Rule. I first came across this “rule” while watching the show Girlfriends. One of the main characters of the show, Joan Clayton held this so-called rule to her heart and applied it to all her relationships throughout the years, although she often referred to it as the 3-month rule. So apparently what this rule implies is that when a woman meets a man, instead of jumping into bed immediately or weeks later, she is advised to hold out for at least 90 days to decipher if the man is deserving of sex.
Famous comedian and talk show host Steve Harvey also made this rule popular through his best selling book-Act Like a Lady, Think like a man.
He argues that the 90 day period should be a probationary period (just as most companies put you on probation when you first get hired), which should be used to test the man to see if he is worthy of all that you have to offer. If he passes during the 90 days, then it is safe to go ahead and have sex with the person, if that is what you want. He also shares that no man would be able to keep up with consistently deceiving you for 90 days. Hence, once a man passes the 90-day marker, then you are good to go!
I don’t share the same sentiments as this rule because I am a Christian and the Bible teaches otherwise, However, I can see their reasoning behind it, even if it’s not the right way.
“Be wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove” Jesus (Matthew 10:16)
In everything we have to apply wisdom; women have to become ferocious about protecting their hearts. Not everyone who comes into your life has good intentions towards you. The 90-day period-if that is a thing, should be used to find out what their intention really is, and not about rewarding them with sex or a “cookie” for good behavior, because your body is worth so much more.
I think why premarital sex, dysfunctional relationships, and heartaches are so prevalent in these times is because of accessibility. The internet and social media have been the best and the worst thing that has happened to humanity. The best in the sense that it has made life easier, by providing direct access to information that would have once taken time and energy to seek out, and the worst because humans are now conditioned to desire things instantly that they don’t want to take time and commit to something tangible.
We are a “we want what we want, and we want it now generation.” That is why the use of dating apps has risen in recent years.
When you can pick up your phone and have instant access to what you want, then you wouldn't want to work for anything so to speak. Because of this instant gratification we all suffer, some men expect to get sex from women just within days and weeks of meeting them. Once that sex happens, most times (more often than not), the men start acting up. I don’t know if it’s because they didn’t enjoy the sex or maybe there is now nothing more exciting about the woman, so they lose interest very quickly and move on to the next shiny object, or what I like to call, their next chew toy.
Waiting to Have Sex
As such, the best rule is to wait till marriage to have sex. This is not some archaic or outdated practice as some might want to think, it is also, not just for your protection, but to honor God. During the getting to know each other/dating/friendship/relationship stage, your goal should be figuring out if said person matches what you want in your future. During this phase, find out about their character, heart, patience level or if they are at all commitment-minded; try to see if they are responsible and if they love God or not.
If this person passes this “test”, then you can then move forward with the next phase of your relationship. The thing is, if sex is introduced into a dating relationship, it has a way of messing things up, especially in the times we live in where people play a lot of mind games, hence you have to be on your guard as a woman.
Also, it is better for you to commit everything to God from the get-go because He has a way of exposing fraudsters for who they are. So I will say, apply the so-called 90-day rule in such a way that within those 90 days, you are learning about the person’s personality and character; make sure you are getting to know the person for who they really are. Ask the right questions, spend time with them in different scenarios, pay attention to how they treat and speak to or speak about others.
Make sure you are doing your groundwork effectively. I believe three months is ample time for you to figure out if you want to continue with a relationship with someone or if you just want to put the person in the friend zone.
The 90-day rule shouldn't be about trying to figure out if you want to have sex with a potential partner, but about getting to know them better. Sex is a sacred thing that you don’t just share with anyone. The sooner we come to this realization that sex is a gift given to us by God to share with only our spouses, the better it would be for us.
Hope you were able to grab a thing or two from this post, and maybe apply it to your dating life if you are in or looking to be in that stage of your life.
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About The Author: Evi Idoghor is a Christian, writer, content creator, and a graduate of chemical engineering from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Consumed by her love for writing and desire to effect change, she launched her online platform in 2018 to tap into her creativity and start meaningful conversations with one goal in mind—to redefine status quo.
Having spent a great part of her formative years in the US where she lived for about 11 years and got to explore what the beautiful country offers by traveling around its coasts, most of her writings have been influenced by her time spent in America. In addition to that, she has worked and partnered with writing agencies and individuals to bring their stories to life.