Updated: Dec 6, 2018
When it comes to this thing called relationship, there is no one size fit all approach that can apply to everyone. Because we are all different and live in different parts of the world. Our environment and upbringing affect the way we view relationships. What may work for couple A, may not work for couple B. One thing I have realized is that you can't put humans in a box, we may all have similarities, but because of the experiences we have prior to meeting that significant other, rules and regulations might just push you guys further apart than bring you guys together. So when I hear about things like the 30-60-90 day rule, I just laugh and wonder who has come up with the latest money-making scheme to lure people, well mostly women.
Who else has heard about The 90 Day Rule? I first came across this “rule” while watching the show Girlfriends. One of the main characters of the show, Joan Clayton held this so-called rule to her heart and applied it to all her relationships. So apparently what this rule implies is that when a girl meets a guy, instead of jumping into bed with the guy immediately or weeks later, she should hold out for at least 90 days to see if the guy is deserving or not. Famous comedian and talk show host Steve Harvey also made this rule popular through his book-Act Like a Lady, Think like a man.
His reasoning behind it is that the 90 day period should be a probationary period (just as most companies put you on probation when you first get hired), that should be used to test the guy to see if he is worthy of all that you have to offer. If he passes during the 90 days, then you can go ahead and be intimate if that is what you want. He also shares that no man would be able to keep up with consistently deceiving you for 90 days.
Although that can be true, but hmmm, I bet he hasn’t met Naija (Nigerian) guys! Haha, I once saw a meme that was going around Instagram a couple of years ago that said "if you think the devil is a liar, then you haven't met Naija guys!" that had me laughing! But guys sha! Why do you like deceiving girls? Anyway, before I digress completely, he carries on saying, “within the first couple of days, he would fall off, because he won’t be able to keep up”. I don’t share the same sentiments as this rule because I am a Christian and the Bible teaches otherwise (wait till marriage), I can see their reasoning behind it, even if it’s not the right way.
“Be wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove” Jesus (Matthew 10:16)
In everything we have to apply wisdom, women have to be protective of themselves and even men too by guarding their hearts. Not everyone who comes into your life has good intentions towards you. The 90-day period-if that is a thing, should be used to find out what their intention really is, and not about rewarding them with sex or a “cookie” for good behavior, because women your body is worth so much more, that Christ even died for it. The times we live in are very unique times, but at the same time, there isn't really anything new under the sun.
I think why things are so prevalent in these times is because of accessibility. The internet and social media have been the best and the worst thing that has happened to humanity. The best in the sense that it has made life easier, you now have access to information that would have taken time and energy to find and the worst because humans are now conditioned to want things instantly that they don’t want to take time and commit to something tangible. We are a “we want what we want, and we want it now generation” That is why dating apps have risen in recent years.
(Not knocking anyone’s hustle) but when you can pick up your phone and have instant access to what you want, then you wouldn't want to work for anything so to speak. So because of this instant gratification we all suffer, some guys expect to get sex from women just within days and weeks of meeting the woman. Once that sex happens, most times (more often than not), the guys start acting up. I don’t know if it’s because they didn’t enjoy it or maybe there is now nothing more exciting about the girl, so they lose interest very quickly and move on to the next shiny object, or what I like to call, their next chew toy.
The best rule (The only way really) is to wait till marriage. This is not just for your protection, but it is also to honor God. During the getting to know each other/dating/friendship/relationship stage, you should really be trying to figure out if said person matches what you want in your future. You should be trying to figure out their character, their heart, their patience level, you should try to see if they are responsible or not if they love God or not. You should try to see what their commitment level is.
If this person then passes this “test”, then you guys now decide if you want to spend the rest of your lives together or not. The thing is if sex is introduced into a dating relationship, it has a way of messing up things, especially in these times we live in when people play a lot of games. You are not too sure if that is what they are after or not, so you have to be on your guard as a woman. The one who is for you would want to wait till marriage as well, I’ve seen this happen time and time and again, so don’t let society fool you, there is no rush.
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine recently and I was telling her how we should protect ourselves and not give into a guy too easily (not referring to sex, but emotions wise), just because he is acting like he may like us, especially when nothing has been made clear. Because people fail to put boundaries in place in relationships, the relationship ends up failing and it may now seem like they keep failing at this thing called relationship/love.
I told her that women (everyone really) have to stand their ground and wait till marriage (speaking from a Christian standpoint). What that does is that it weeds out those who are not supposed to be in your life. And she was of the opinion that some guys can wait till marriage oh! Just to sleep with you and then bail, to which I responded- if he wants to wait and plan a wedding just to have sex with you, then that’s really twisted because that would be one expensive sex (haha).
But anyway in order not to find ourselves in such situations, it is better for us to commit everything to God from the get-go because He has a way of exposing fraudsters for who they are. So I will say, apply the so-called 90-day rule in such a way that in those 90 days, you are learning about the person’s personality and character, make sure you are getting to know the person for who they really are. Ask the right questions, spend time with them in different scenarios, pay attention to how they treat and speak to or speak about others.
Make sure you are doing your groundwork well. I believe 3 months is ample time for your to figure out if you want to continue with a relationship with someone or not or if you just want to put the person in the friend zone or not (some people are not even worthy to be your friends, kick them to the curb haha). The 90-day rule shouldn't be about trying to figure someone out if you want to have sex with them or Nah but about getting to know them better. Sex is and should be a sacred thing that you don’t just share with anyone. The sooner we realize that sex is a gift given to us by God to share with only our spouse, the better it would be for us.
Hope you were able to grab a thing or two from this post, and maybe apply it to your dating life if you are in or looking to be in that stage of your life. Be sure to check out The Titus 1 & 2 Tests respectively (what men and women should be looking out for in a future spouse). You can get acquainted with those to also see how it can help you. Have a blessed day and I love y’all for reading as usual. Xoxo