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I Wish I Had Discussed Sex in my Past Relationships

Written by Evi Idoghor

Sex is not a topic that is frequently discussed within Christian communities. It has become clandestine in nature, a best kept secret that you are meant to unwrap on your wedding night (or afternoon), with some people clueless about what they signed up for. Christians—committed Christians—are hesitant to bring up the subject of sex because they don't want to arouse their passionate desire (Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up or awaken love before its timeSongs of Solomon 2:7). They are perhaps unaware how they can discuss the subject without the likelihood of falling into sin.

While in a relationship or getting to know someone, a lot of people, especially Christians—committed Christians—are hesitant to bring up the subject of sex. Some are hesitant to discuss it because they don't want to arouse their passionate desire (Oh daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up or awaken love before its time—Songs of Solomon 2:7), while others believe that discussing sex while in a relationship might be a sin.
An Honest Conversation About Sex

To begin, let me state unequivocally that sex was created by God. When experienced within the confines of marriage, it is a pure/beautiful thing. The reason there is so much shame associated with sex is because it has been perverted. Many people avoid discussing this subject and prefer to let events unfold naturally. It shouldn't be this way—we need to teach ourselves and our children that sex isn't a bad thing in and of itself. Take, for example, a knife, which can be put to good use (to chop food, to open up boxes, and so on). It can also be used maliciously (to murder). So, sex, like any other thing that isn't evil (on its own) can be used in an ungodly way.

I've heard a lot of crazy stories about spouses not knowing what their partners were into before they exchanged marriage vows. I read an article in which a newlywed woman sought advice because she had no idea her husband was into some kinky stuff during sex and she felt strange about it. She needed an escape or a way to deal with her husband's desires. The piece sparked questions in my mind, such as how didn't she realize the man she married was into that sort of thing? Didn't they have the discussion? Did he lead her astray? Did he act as if he was holier than thou before they married?

She is now trapped in a situation that she has no idea how to escape or fix. Sex should be taken seriously when discussing your potential future with someone. Conversations about sex as Christians should not be about what styles a person prefers or the most unlikely place they have had sex. You should not engage in conversations that are sex glorifying and God dishonoring. Rather, the conversations you should be having should be able to reveal where a person's mind is when it comes to sex, as well as their expectations - so that you are not surprised when he or she arrives at the house one day after work with handcuffs and a whip.

Questions about sex you should be asking

Some of these questions are difficult to ask, but they are necessary. Marriage is a long-term commitment. You just don't want to end up with anyone so that your union isn't strained. So, when that person enters your life, I know it can be very exciting but keep the butterflies at bay and ask the necessary questions. You'll be more intentional about the time you spend together this way.

Questions like, are you sexually active? Do you go to strip clubs? Do you have sex with someone you might be interested in? Have you ever approached someone with the intention of just having sex, without their knowledge? Do you watch porn? Have you ever been with someone of the same sex? Will you talk about it if we ever get married and you aren't sexually fulfilled, or will you go have an affair? Related Post: God no longer cares about premarital sex?

Have you ever paid for sex? Do you anticipate having sex in a dating relationship? Do you expect nude pictures in a relationship? What are your thoughts on abstinence before marriage? Have you ever slept with multiple people at the same time? Do you have a friend with benefits? Have you ever cheated on a partner? How many times a week is reasonable to have sex in marriage? Do you have any fetishes, or what people might term unusual when it comes to sex? What are your expectations of your partner when it comes to sex?

Questions like these can point you in the right direction when it comes to your relationship or building a future with someone. You want to know that the person you choose to do life with isn’t a slave to sexual sin.

Christians, don't assume that just because you met someone at church or a Bible study group that they believe the Bible when it comes to sex. I once (conversationally) indulged a man who claimed to be a Christian but believed in sex before marriage. I could have been taken aback simply because he claimed to be a Christian, only to be surprised when the pressure for sex began if we dated. A person may lie or tell you what you want to hear to get close to you. But be as wise as a serpent. Listen to your instincts and evaluate every answer they give you, as well as their actions and how they speak about their previous relationships.

“You will recognize them by their fruits,” Jesus said in Matthew 7:16. This simply means that a person's true character can be determined by their actions. I was getting to know some other man over time and whenever he talked about how he dealt with women in the past, it made me uncomfortable. On paper, he appeared to be a great guy—he had ambitions, a great job, dreams and passions, and cared about things I cared about. But I couldn't get away from the way he treated women—he got with them sometimes just to sleep with them, then disappeared when they wanted more out of the relationship.

Despite his claims that it was all in the past, I kept on getting the alert—player on board, flee the premises. Because the way they treat others is most likely how they will treat you if there is no true repentance. There is always an indicator within us that warns us of something dangerous that may occur later in life. As such, if a relationship ends, don't be too concerned; God may be attempting to save you from future heartbreak. God created sex to be enjoyed, not to be this degrading, performance-based thing.

In an episode of Friends, Phoebe teased Monica (or maybe it was the other way around), “you haven't had sex in a while, and you're afraid they might have changed it.” It was absolutely hilarious. Who exactly are they? Who gave them the authority to change sex? Since the beginning of time sex has been sex. Thus, don't believe the myth that if you're abstinent or haven't had sex in the past then no one will want you or you'll have years of bad sex. That is a blatant lie. Those who say, “I can’t marry a virgin,” are not the people you should even be considering.

Two people who desire to please God and do not have unrealistic expectations of each other can have a fulfilling sex life. Particularly since it can be improved over time - as the saying goes, practice makes perfect.

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All images are courtesy of Unsplash


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