Written by Evi Idoghor, Creator of Letstalknationblog.com
It’s 2020, and an unexpected pandemic hit, which rocked every aspect of life including relationships. Some lovers couldn’t take the blow and decided altogether to call it quits. In a time when it seems like landing a romantic partner is at an all-time low, as people are more focused on surviving than being romantically involved, many individuals, especially women, tend to hold on to relationships that aren’t doing them any good, hence, proving destructive in the long-run.
A relationship often reveals who we are as people— our flaws, insecurities, fears, as well as our shortcomings. As such, there are valuable lessons to learn from it, even if it comes to an end. And that in and of itself isn’t such a bad thing! Think about it. If your relationship just ended (and for good reason), instead of brooding over lost love (I know, it hurts), or trying to hang on by a thin rope, evaluate your experience and bask in the beauty of learning from it.
Sometimes, what we fail to address when it comes to relationships, is the possibility of the woman being the erring one when things go awry. We are quick to judge the male-partner because they are the ones who get a lot of flak for being the villains in most love stories. I was all up in my feelings recently when I saw a post by my friend’s ex-boyfriend, who had moved on to someone new, thanking God, for not letting him settle—the audacity!
I did not know when I muttered—“you must be out of your mind!” Then sharing what I discovered with another friend, she was quick to ask—what if she was actually the toxic one in the relationship? Prior to that, it wasn’t even a thought that had crossed my mind.
Positive Sides of a Breakup
When a relationship ends, it presents an opportunity for reflection, growth, and learning. Not all breakups are bad; some are necessary so we can become better people for it, and not transfer toxic behaviors into the next one. Below I share 7 Positive Things about Breakups that I have learned over the years and why you should embrace them:
1) A breakup causes you to discover your identity: prior to when my last relationship ended, I was oblivious as to who I was. I let a relationship status define me, my unemployment dictate the level of my self-esteem, as well as my body image.
The funny thing is when I now look at old pictures of myself, casting my mind to what I looked like at the time, I am a bit bigger than I was six years ago, and would kill to have that body back, but more importantly, my self-esteem is way better. The end of that relationship forced me to look within and ask myself tough questions like—why am I really here? Who has God called me to be? Is there better out there for me, or am I a failure as these past relationships have predicted?
It wasn’t until after I decided to go on a journey to find myself in Christ, that I discovered what my true identity was. It wasn’t wrapped up in a relationship status, job description, or a banging body, but rather in Jesus.
2) A breakup brings about growth: it doesn’t matter whose fault caused the breakdown of your romantic relationship; there is always a lesson to learn from it. I learned that I also had a part to play in my series of breakups; I was part of the problem. I claimed to be a Christian, but somehow my relationships reflected lies and sexual sin. If I wanted to get better results in the end, then I had to do better, first repenting from lies and sexual sin, then bolting from men who required sex in dating relationships.
3) A breakup causes you to realize that said person wasn’t right for you after all: wouldn’t you rather find out now that this man who you once thought was your be all end all, isn’t the one? It is better for you to shed all the tears now over lost love in a broken relationship than cry those same tears, with possibly more anguish when a marriage is falling apart. A breakup in a dating relationship is much easier to deal with than an unhappy marriage or divorce.
4) A breakup teaches you that your self-worth doesn’t come from a romantic partner but God: self-worth was one of the things I struggled with whilst dating. I looked to these men for validation and when they failed to give it, I fell to an all-time low. I believed no one would ever want me, let alone love me. Human beings are fickle; they are there for you today, and tomorrow want to toss you out with the garbage.
If your self-worth is tied to humans and their opinions of you, you will lose your mind. Oftentimes when a breakup happens, we begin to see things clearly, and if you are a Christian, there is a great chance that you will run to God for healing. That was what I did, and how I was able to discover that my self-worth and validation should come from God and not lovers.
5) Settling is no longer an option: the demise of a relationship opens you up to knowing and choosing for yourself the type of partner you want to do life with. If you were in an abusive situation, you now know that you don’t want to be with a partner who calls you out of your name or beats you when he gets upset. If you were with a man who depended on you financially, you now know that type of situation isn’t something you want to deal with in a future relationship.
Hindsight they say is 20/20; you have tasted the other side of the relationship spectrum and did not like it, hence, you can prepare yourself to choose who is best for you moving forward.
6) A breakup frees you from toxic environments: regardless of who the toxic partner was, it will do both parties involved good if they are apart than together. Toxicity is a breeding ground for all manner of evil to take place in a relationship, and life in general. If for some reason a toxic relationship ends, thank God for it, and take the necessary time you need to heal and grow, before jumping into another relationship, if not, old patterns would resurface.
7) A breakup affords you time to pursue other interests: relationships can be suffocating, especially when you are with the wrong partner. Such partners stifle your growth— not leaving any room for you to pursue other interests, and as such, you lose your identity, and lack focus in life. A good relationship should make you want to become a better person in all aspects of life. If that relationship wasn’t growing you, then be glad that it ended when it did.
After my breakup, I began to take writing more seriously as it was the only outlet I could use to express myself at the time. I did not even know I had this unique gifting and could make a career out of it. Now, it is a part of me that I can’t let go of. But for that breakup, it could have been stifled, because my identity was wrapped up in my partner and how much he loved me.
Do not underestimate the value of the time you have on your hands once you kiss your old lover goodbye. Everyone needs that sort of time to grow, evolve, recuperate, relax, and just breathe. If you were going a mile a minute when you were wrapped up in your boyfriend’s arms and were busy taking care of everyone else while you neglected yourself, now is the time for you to take your self-care seriously.
It is advisable that you use this much-needed time to learn about yourself, your creator, what interests you, and get excited about life once again because breaking up has a way of sucking the joy out of a person. Nevertheless, a breakup is not the end of the world; it provides you with a unique opportunity to evolve, discover your identity, and become who you were created to be.
What are your thoughts? Please let us know in the comment section below.
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About The Author: Evi Idoghor is a Christian, writer, content creator, and a graduate of chemical engineering from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Consumed by her love for writing and desire to effect change, she launched her online platform in 2018 to tap into her creativity and start meaningful conversations with one goal in mind—to redefine status quo.
Having spent a great part of her formative years in the US where she lived for about 11 years and got to explore what the beautiful country offers by traveling around its coasts, most of her writings have been influenced by her time spent in America. In addition to that, she has worked and partnered with writing agencies and individuals to bring their stories to life.