A crutch is something people use to help themselves achieve what they can’t on their own, or soothe an underlying condition; it could be a device, a vice, or people. Many of you might have heard the word crutch, used in a sentence like this—“she used him as a crutch to get to where she is.” That is the kind of crutch I am talking about today, not the medical device which helps people walk, but the terminology used to describe destructive behavioral patterns.
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I will begin by saying, I was not by any means a sex addict, quite frankly if I could avoid it at the time, I was more than happy to, but because substance was missing from the relationships I had, sex was used as a crutch to draw close to my partners; I used it to help prolong relationships which I didn’t know were dysfunctional at the time. If there was no sex, there was no relationship.
The guys I dated in the past, in the season of life when I did not know my identity, purpose, and the direction I wanted to go in life, offered me little. Now, looking back, since I was a bad picker, little was all I was going to get from those situations. We never had deep conversations about anything, we never shared our dreams and goals—I did not even know what mine was at the time. We were never friends, we never shared any bond of intimacy, except within the confines of the bedroom.
I was desperate for companionship that I used sex to make up for the losses we had on the emotional side of things. That was the only thing that kept us together, and after each act, I fell to an all-new low. Coupled with the fact that I had to beg for attention outside those parameters, and also deal with rejection. How did I come out from that vicious cycle you might ask? I will tell you, and this will help you too.
How To Stop Using Sex as a Crutch
It took for one relationship to end up badly for me to realize that life was way more than relationships and sex. I had to unlearn certain mindsets, and learn things that were foreign to me, like—self-worth, self-love, the love of God, purpose, confidence, the whole nine. God had to strip me of old mindsets, mindsets like—I had to be in a relationship once I reached a certain age, if not there was something wrong with me. Or I had to be married at such and such age, or if a guy didn’t want me, it was because I was unattractive. Am I reading anyone’s mail already?
I have come to realize that there is more to life than dating, relationships, and marriage. God created us for a reason, we all have a purpose, and we must live out that purpose. Desiring a marriage/relationship is great except the desires lead you to self-destruct, if unhealthy. There is a time and place for everything. For someone like me, it was better that I discovered myself first, before joining my life with others. If I did, then I would have known what I wanted like—respect, love, laughter, substance, value, laughter, compassion, kindness, and so on. I would have left situations at the first hint of abuse, but unfortunately, I did not.
After years of doing the work, I now know better, sex is no longer a crutch but a gift from God to those who are married. Now I know there are multiple ways to explore intimacy in a dating relationship, rather than through sex. Now I know the importance of getting to truly know each other through conversations, spending time with friends and family, learning about each other’s cultures, and expressing your desires.
Relationships are much more beautiful when they are healthy and done the right way, God's way. If you feel disrespected, taken advantage of, and disregarded, maybe it's time for you to reevaluate your situation, count your losses, and move on. Do not undervalue the time taken out to heal; in your healing process, you will discover so much about yourself, and come to desire only the best things.
I am so passionate about relationships, because this is something most people desire, and if done wrong can lead you to a downward spiral, which is unhealthy on all fronts. Take your time, get to know yourself, discover who God called you to be, and when the time, circumstance, and the person is right, you will know. But first, you have to do the work.
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About The Author: Evi Idoghor is a Christian, writer, and content creator on Letstalknationblog.com. She is a chemical engineering graduate from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Consumed by her love for writing and desire to effect change, she launched her online platform––Let’s Talk Nation––to tap into her creativity and start meaningful conversations that would make a difference around the world.
Most of her writing has been influenced by her time spent in America, where she lived for about 11 years. Also, she lived in Nigeria and South Korea and currently loves traveling the world while learning about other fascinating cultures. You can find her on all social media platforms with @eviidoghor.