Written by Evi Idoghor, Creator of Letstalknationblog.com
I came across this incredible video by the content creator, Jay Shetty where he addressed the lack of commitment some relationships are plagued with today. The video contained loads of truths that I would like to share with you. When it comes to this thing called love, relationships, dating, and marriage, most people find themselves in situationships, trying to swim upstream after jumping ship to a better arrangement which makes them happy.
Relationships these days have become something like an enigma. Humans have made something that is so simple, so complicated that when two people meet, everyone puts on their best behavior, so as not to scare the other person away. Commitment has quickly become an issue because people are comfortable playing games. If they don't have to work hard to get something, then they treat it as less valuable. Because of accessibility, many now have the free reign to drink the milk for free without necessarily purchasing the cow.
Men like children, test women to see how much they can get away with, without any real commitment. They give you signs here and there, like bread crumbs, and you are left wondering what exactly the man wants from you. Does he want a relationship? Does he want to be friends? Does he want to take things to the next level (whatever that means.) I am a firm believer in whatever you want from a person, let them know from the get-go.
If you want a possible relationship to come out of what you share, let them know (even if it ends up not working out.) If you feel that this other person could be a great friend and a person of value to your life, then treat the conversations as such, let the person know. That way everyone is on the same page and no one has unrealistic expectations of the other party.
I guess what I am trying to say here is that people need to be honest, there is no need to play games. We are a generation that doesn't want a relationship, we all want the benefits of a relationship but are not willing to put in the time and work that comes with building something sustainable which will possibly last a lifetime.
"We swipe left, in hopes of finding the right one." Jay says, "we forego chances of having a real connection, by mutually playing games with no winner, and the only thing we end up winning is most likely to be alone."
Why are people afraid to commit?
People these days are just looking for others to warm their bed; they're looking for people who will feed or massage their egos, and make them feel good about their insecure selves. No one wants to make a real connection; no one wants to have real conversations. Everyone wants to control the situation, so they don't get hurt. People are playing games that they don't even know where it generated from. No one wants to define anything; they want to go with the flow and see how things go. No, it is not supposed to be so. To get something real, you have to be intentional about it, nothing good comes with ease. You have to work at it, just like anything in life.
This reminds me of an episode of Friends (gosh, I love that show!) Ross was dating a girl for a couple of months and it was around Christmas time in this particular episode. They had taken some pictures together and the girl felt like the photos could be used in a Christmas card from both of them to their loved ones. Now, anyone who watches this show knows how much of a commitment-phobe Ross is.
He had two failed marriages at this time and was having a hard time committing to something tangible. So when she brought it up, although he didn't voice his concerns to her directly, he confided in his friends. Of course, they had to tease him by congratulating him on his "new marriage," before listening to what he had to say. He felt it was too soon to start sending Christmas cards out, and he had a legitimate point. He wanted to take things slow, and not rush ahead of himself.
When his girlfriend wanted to have a real conversation with him, by asking him where their relationship was heading, he tried to avoid the discussion at all costs and eventually handed the girl a key to his apartment, to make her feel like the relationship was serious and was heading somewhere.
“We want everything that will give us the illusion of a relationship without an actual relationship.” Jay Shetty
That episode was one of the hilarious episodes of friends that I had watched; it got me thinking about how some men will go to any length, to avoid having a serious conversation with their partners about the future of their relationship. Isn't it just easier to let the girl know that the relationship probably is not heading anywhere and end it before things go too far? If a girl wants to know where things are heading in a relationship, there might be a chance that intentional conversations about the future of the relationship are not being communicated.
To add salt to injury, physical intimacy might be present in the relationship which has no future. In such a relationship, judgments get clouded and people become comfortable whilst having sex outside of marriage and see no real need to make a commitment, because, again, they are enjoying the benefits of the cow, without owning it.
Jay goes ahead to conclude that this generation doesn't want a relationship, but friends with benefits. This is so true; someone told me this in the past, well not in those exact words. He implied that he wanted a friend who could also be a lover (haha), I'm like you are looking for a friend with benefits, and it is not going to work out, because someone always ends up getting hurt. Nothing good comes out of it. But at the same time, I applauded him for his honesty, although he didn't find that with me, he saved me the hassle of trying to figure out what he wanted from me.
I hope people grow out of this immaturity mindset when it comes to relationships. Relationships, if done right can be the most beautiful thing you can get out of life (well, apart from being in a relationship with God).