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Does God Have an Active Role in Choosing a Spouse for a Christian?

Updated: Dec 12, 2020

Written By Evi Idoghor, Creator of

I was in a conversation with someone a few days ago, and when asked what my views on relationships were because I previously mentioned that I had a totally different mindset when it came to all things love, dating, relationships, and marriage, I couldn’t quite articulate all my thoughts into an Instagram “dm” response, hence, this article.

It is no news on this platform that I am a ‘sucker’ (if I can use that word) for love and relationships; I am passionate about speaking on the topic, in a bid to provide people with the necessary tools to make the right choices as it pertains to relationships. Am I a relationship coach? Maybe not, because I do not possess the professional certifications to allot myself with such a title.

Have I been married for countless years garnering wisdom to be able to speak on this topic? No. But do I possess wisdom worth exploring as some of us go on this journey, trying to navigate the single phase of our lives, to hopefully someday be married with a love that comes from God? I think so! Let’s talk!

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” —Psalm 127:1 (NKJV)

What Role Does God Play?

One day, after asking the question of whether it was appropriate for a woman to shoot her shot to get a man’s attention that she liked, I stumbled upon the scripture above, and that began to shape my reasoning about romantic relationships and God’s involvement with it. Most times we spend our time scrambling to get somebody’s attention, and if God isn’t the one who ordained that process, all we do is in vain. Another scripture that shifted my thinking was one found in Proverbs 19:14 (AMP) which says “houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, but a wise, understanding, and sensible wife, is (a gift and blessing) from the Lord.”

The Gift

Imagine for an instance, you have a car which you purchased years and years ago, and have kept it aside after you have used it for some time. Because of its lack of use, some parts in it have depreciated with time. The car doesn’t start, and the tires are all flat. Then you come across a friend who has no car and most likely can’t afford to get one. Then you decide that you want to gift them this vehicle. Without fixing it up, you say to your friend—hey! I have this car sitting on my lot; you can have it if you want.

Your friend is all excited and then finds a way to get the vehicle from your house over to their home. The process is daunting, the friend has to figure out a way to purchase new tires for the car, possibly fix up the engine and other parts of the car that has depreciated with time. Because they can’t afford the repairs, they try and fix it up with roadside mechanics who then do more damage to it than salvage. This so-called gift then becomes a pain, rather than something which would have added value to them. Your friend starts spending money they don’t have to move the gift from point A to B.

They mutter—‘I was better off without this!’

The gift giver thought they were doing their friend a favor, rather they added pain and sorrow to their friend's life.


The Good Gift Giver

Let us for a second liken God to the good gift-giver, because the Bible says every good and perfect gift is from above (James1:17), if God was the one who had possession of that car and decides to gift it to His friend, He will take the time out to work on the vehicle before sending it off. He will ensure that the tires are brand new, the engine is worked on at the state-of-the-art mechanic workshop, or is simply replaced. He will ensure that the oil is changed, and the car is fueled. If the car has any dent, He will take it to the body shop for it to be beaten into shape so it would be as good as new. He will personally oversee the entire project, and when it is perfect, complete, entire, lacking nothing, He will then present the gift to His friend.

Before the gift is presented to His friend, it goes through a phase of preparation.


In the time of preparation, God is doing great work on the gift and also the gift receiver. God is ensuring that the gift is becoming wiser, smarter, sharper, effective, respectful, patient, tolerant, submissive, loyal, and so on. During this period, God is ensuring that the gift is also full of the fruits of the Spirit. God is not going to give this gift if the gift isn’t ready. Think about it, women, if you have a horrible character: quick to anger, quick to insult, quick to disrespect, or if you are slacking in the things you are meant to accomplish here on earth, ie. sitting around and doing nothing with your life, God is not going to present you to any of His sons, because you aren’t quite ready.

Proverbs 21:9 says “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop (on that flat roof, exposed to the weather) than in a house shared with a quarrelsome (contentious) woman.” If you have some character traits which are going to cause pain to your husband than add value, it is safe to say that you as a gift are not ready to be presented to your husband. To reiterate what Proverbs 19:14 says, a wise, understanding, and sensible wife is a gift from the Lord.

So, the single-season isn’t one for punishment or despondency, but one for preparation, to be ready. If you are a Christian, and desire to be in a relationship, and still find yourself single, God might be making you wait for some time because He is developing you into the woman of God He has called you to be. It might not be a character flaw, rather one of development and refining. If you yield yourself to God, just like a potter, He will begin to mold you into that person befitting of who He wants to make the presentation to.

The Wait

Most times, when we hear about waiting on that special one from God, it is often attributed to just the women, but referencing Proverbs 19:14 again, men have also been called to wait. Back to the car analogy: now the gift receiver is waiting in great anticipation to receive this good and perfect gift from God. While the receiver is waiting, God is also doing good work in them, because He is not going to handover His precious gift to just anyone. If you want to entrust your most valuable possession to someone, you wouldn’t give it to those who would turn around and trample it. God wouldn’t give this gift to anyone who will misuse it; if they misuse, mistreat, abuse, or even replace without His permission, they would have to answer to Him. (1 Peter3:7)

As such, the men also undergo a season of refining, character building, and preparation—“until the time that his word (of prophecy regarding his brothers) came true, the word of the Lord tested and refined him.” Psalm 105:19 (AMP)

Because God is all-knowing, He knows who is well-deserving of this gift (women), and He specially handpicks this person to become the receiver (men). Both parties according to Proverbs 19:14 and Psalm 127:1, and also Proverbs 18:22 have no active role in this process, rather one of passivity, which involves yielding oneself to the molding (crafting, refining, building) of the Maker.

So, instead of us trying to play games, or making advances at those who God hasn’t called us to, let us wait patiently for the Lord to act on our behalf.

What do you think? Leave your comments below, and also remember to like, share and subscribe, never to miss an update on

Don’t stop here; click this link to explore more on our relationships page.


About The Author: Evi Idoghor is a Christian, writer, and content creator on She is a chemical engineering graduate from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Consumed by her love for writing and desire to effect change, she launched her online platform to tap into her creativity and start meaningful conversations that would make a difference around the world.

Most of her writing has been influenced by her time spent in America, where she lived for about 11 years. Also, she lived in Nigeria and South Korea and currently loves traveling the world while learning about other fascinating cultures. You can find her on all social media platforms with @eviidoghor.

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