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Why I Think My Relationship Failed

Updated: Jun 20, 2023

Written by Evi Idoghor


I've been thinking a lot about why relationships fail lately, and one of the reasons that came to mind was a lack of devotion. Relationships come with a lot of vulnerabilities, assuming you meet the right kind of person, who isn't hiding behind a mask or putting up a front. However, sometimes people put their best foot forward and forget that there are other aspects of themselves that must also be shared. When one person relaxes their guard, the other realizes, "This is not what I signed up for," and begins to plan their exit strategy.

I've been thinking a lot about why relationships fail lately, and one of the reasons that came to mind was a lack of devotion. Relationships come with a lot of vulnerabilities, assuming you meet the right kind of person, who isn't hiding behind a mask or putting up a front. However, sometimes people put their best foot forward and forget that there are other aspects of themselves that must also be shared.
Why I Think My Relationship Failed

You, on the other hand, will notice that communication is no longer as frequent, calls to spend time together are drastically reduced, and even when you are in their presence, it is as if they are not really there. Then a slew of thoughts race through your head: did I say too much? Maybe I shouldn't have cried in that restaurant, or maybe I should have handled the situation differently and not taken it personally.


The truth is that we all carry wounds that we are sometimes unaware of. And it takes a close relationship (sometimes a romantic one) to expose how deep our wounds are. My ex and I went out to eat at a restaurant one day. We hadn't even been out for 20 minutes when he asked me why I was so moody, and I burst into tears. In public, I embarrassed myself. I quickly lowered my head to hide my emotional outburst before causing a scene, while he held my hand and waited for me to stop crying. That incident left him speechless.


What was the source of my tears? Earlier in the day, he had spoken to me in a way that revealed a wound within me that I had been burying for the past eight years. So, eight years ago, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in which the person controlled me and spoke down at me. His words made me feel small and destroyed my self-esteem - I had none left. Fast forward to my last relationship, there were certain things he would say that would set me off because it was something my ex of eight years ago used to do, and it would cause some kind of pain in me.



If you know me, you know that I despise any form of conflict or confrontation, and I try to live my life as peacefully as possible. As a result, rather than speaking up when someone does something I don't like, I tend to internalize it. Thus, I had a meltdown at the restaurant that night. So, he asked what was wrong, and I was able to tell him - this is how I felt in my previous relationship, I think I am seeing some signs here, and it is not pretty. He apologized, and we were able to move on from the incident. He stopped saying those things which bothered me from that day forward.


However, my occasional emotional meltdowns over other issues may have contributed to the demise of our relationship. Being in as many relationships as I had resulted in a plethora of wounds of varying severity. And as humans, we tend to carry these wounds from one relationship to the next. When we finally settle into another relationship, hoping that this is it, and we show our significant other our wounds (the wounds may not necessarily be from romantic relationships, but may be from family, work, or even church) some people flee.


We all have baggage, wounds, and pain within us, and most of the time we think we've dealt with them, not realizing that we've just gotten so good at masking our pain with other life experiences. However, it takes a close relationship to bring to light the fact that we are still hurting.


What true commitment looks like

I came across this gem of a movie from the 1990s called Shattering the Silence. I'm not sure what it is about me and YouTube and old school movies these days. The main character in this film was molested as a child by her father, and she carried this baggage into her marriage. When she had a child, memories from her childhood began to haunt her. Her husband tried numerous times to figure out what was wrong, but she kept pushing him away.


She even lost the attachment that new mothers have to their babies and decided to cut her maternity leave short so she could work. "I don't think you're ready to go back to work," her husband said. "Don't you dare tell me what to do!" she yelled at him. "I'm not telling you; I'm begging you," he replied. She was unwavering. He was then forced to take time off work to care for their child until they could find a nanny.


In all of these, he remained steadfast, committed, and devoted. He never threatened her with divorce; he was present every day. He was patient with her as she relived the horrors of her childhood abuse until she was ready to share her pain with him, which led to her seeking the help she required. Now, if that isn’t devotion, I don’t know what else is.


Why I think my relationship failed

So, in my dating experience, aside from abuse, it is lack of commitment and devotion that causes relationships to fail. When someone shows you their vulnerability - I am not perfect, I am wounded - I believe the appropriate response is, "How can I help?" However, when you've tried everything and the person and/or relationship still don't improve, you can walk away - you're not married.


But if you don't try to help that person heal and simply leave, the next person you meet will come with their own wounds. So, as the Bible teaches, we should learn to make allowances for each other's flaws - learn to forgive, learn to be patient. Compared to when you threaten the other person with a breakup in every little thing.


I was with someone who would occasionally ask me, so what happens if I break up with you? There was another instant when we had an issue, got over it, and he said to me, I was thinking of breaking up with you when that happened. That made me realize that the person was not ready for commitment. And I wondered if this is how he would threaten to leave our marriage when problems arose.


If you continue to threaten to leave someone over trivial issues, then you are not mature enough for a lifelong relationship like marriage. Because, deeper issues will arise that will rock your boat. I am the type of person who, once I have committed myself to you, is willing to go to any length to see our relationship thrive.



In situations where the issue is a fundamental problem such as sexual sin or lack of belief in Christ (if you are a Christian), the chances of it turning around (especially when the other individual isn't willing) are very slim. It is best to accept your lot and walk away. It will be painful, but absolutely necessary.


Another sign of a lack of commitment is when your significant other is unwilling to give up all others and devote themselves solely to you. Their eyes are constantly wandering as if they believe there is something better out there. Commitment or devotion is choosing to focus on the one you have chosen even though there may be “something better” out there.


Many men appear to have a problem with this, which is when you start hearing statements like - men are not monogamous by nature. No, their issue is not monogamy or it's absence, what they lack is self-control.


What do you think? Leave your comments below. Also remember to like, share and subscribe so you don't miss out on what is happening on Let's Talk Nation Blog.


For Further Reading


Don’t stop here; click this link to explore the Relationships segment of the website. Are there any topics you would like for me to cover? Leave them in the comments section or email us at info@letstalknationblog.com.


Images used in this article are courtesy of Unsplash


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Guest
Mar 08, 2023
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

There needs to be an awareness that something is fundamentally wrong so that seeking help can make sense and healing can happen. For both male and female

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Evi Idoghor
Evi Idoghor
Mar 08, 2023
Replying to

Yea, open and honest conversations can bring about the awareness.

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Guest
Feb 26, 2023

Quite an interesting read.


No man should have to handle your baggage from past relationships. Get help, go to therapy and fix it!


It's also quite convenient how you gleaned over your flaws and blamed him for not responding the way you wanted.


No doubt it's messed up if he did all you said he did, but even from your side of the story I can see how I wouldn't want to date you. Hope we get to hear his side of the story.


By the way, your blog post shows you're very confrontational since you were able to dish out so much. Thank you for the heads up for the next guy that considers dating you.

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Guest
Sep 08, 2023
Replying to

I think this comment is very insensitive....Making conclusions just by reading their blog. This was an honest write up on why she thought the relationship ended...Emphasis on "she"...

There is no blame game here....Love is Patient and Kind and if that's her expectation...please that's the barest minimum any woman should experience.

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Guest
Feb 22, 2023

Hurt-people simply hurt people.. You will learn and grow from this.. Importantly, I pray you heal & find peace/resolution from past pains (this is key).. I pray you heal well enough for another chance to be loved as God intends you to be.. But you have to work on healing. I pray God gives you that..


There's certainly a lesson in all this.. I pray you understand it in the tailored manner God intends it..


Stay strong, stay brave.. God bless you.


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Guest
Feb 23, 2023
Replying to

Amen, thank you.

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Guest
Feb 21, 2023

"Commitment or devotion is choosing to focus on the one you have chosen..."


It's the vulnerability in this piece, wrapped in wisdom, and conveyed with eloquence.


It's the fact that we CHOOSE to stay and do ALL we can to help & support the one(s) we've devoted our Love to.


It's the difficult stance taken to selflessly Love like Christ, and uphold and nurture.


It's not the ease, but the necessity.

And the Grace that comes with it.


May God grant us the fortitude to Love as we claim to.🙏🏾


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Guest
Feb 21, 2023
Replying to

Thank you so much for this!! Yes, we must learn to love like Christ loves us.

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